When Jesus Shows Up

“You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve Him, and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in his name.  He is your praise, and He is your God who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen.” Deuteronomy 10:20-21

Father, again we give You all praise, glory and honor due Your Name! We may never fully understand the vastness of Your holiness, power and authority.  We give you honor and acknowledge that we are just small vessels, and we are humbled that You would give us the opportunity to partner with you in advancing Your Kingdom and setting Your people free.  Your power and might are incomprehensible and we are in awe of Your majesty.  We praise You for all You are and all You do!  We love you!  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The Deeper Still Summer Retreat 2017 in Knoxville, Tennessee, will be remembered as one epic retreat.  It was off the charts amazing as the Lord showed up and showed off big time in changing the hearts and lives of those attending.

 

It is difficult to express in words the power and glory of the Lord that was experienced by the team members and the participants who attended that weekend.  One of our team members, Alaina Wingo, wrote of her experience: 

“I never was able to understand what it meant to fear the LORD until one day He gave me an image which helped me understand a bit more. I saw a picture of myself in a small boat in the middle of an ocean. The sea was placid with no land in sight. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a massive whale breached the water with his tail towering next to me. Though his tail alone was so much bigger than the boat, there was no damage to me or the boat.  I was filled with AWE and FEAR. To witness such an amazing sight was humbling and incredible and could have brought me to tears.  A feeling of terror approached me while marveling at the power and size of this great beast.

Our GOD out scales any whale, incomparably so. We cannot comprehend His greatness. My fear of the Lord is out of utter reverence for our POWERFUL GOD.  Just a glimpse and I am in awe. And that is how this retreat felt in some ways. There always seem to be problems before a retreat and often during. However, when Jesus shows up, all confusion falls away and fear dissipates to its appropriate place--.in the Lord alone.

Unprecedented things happened during the retreat. And yet I feel like we haven't seen anything. There's always more. I am truly humbled that God can take a group of imperfect people looking to serve and be healed and do such big things. We built the altar and He lit it on fire."

~Alaina Wingo, Deeper Still Team Member, Knoxville, TN

The Deep Wound of Rape

“He reveals deep and hidden things, he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.”  Dan 2:22

Father, I pray for those coming to the retreat this weekend and next weekend to allow you to reveal the deep and hidden things so that pain can turn into purpose and hurts can be surfaced for healing.  We know it is not your desire for us to remain numb to the pain lying dormant in the depths of our heart.  Bring those things that lie in darkness up to the surface where your light can shine and bring forth life.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

In a car ride three years ago, the Lord began to surface a need for healing that had been buried deep within my heart.  Karen Ellison (founder of Deeper Still), Carla Martin, Kay Smith (team members) and I were traveling to Illinois to serve on the team for the first Deeper Still of Central Illinois retreat.  It was exciting to be on a road trip back to my home state.  The retreat was taking place between where I grew up and where I had gone to college.  It was also only about 30 miles from where my abortion took place.  I was overwhelmed with the Lord’s goodness in allowing me to be a part of this retreat in Illinois.

We also had a plan to stop at the abortion clinic in Champaign, IL where I had the abortion to pray over the land.  It was a good plan, but God had an even better plan.

Part of my story involves a rape on my college campus.  I don’t believe I have ever written about this part of my story, but felt the Lord wanted me to share part of this today.  On the way to help serve at the first retreat in Illinois in 2014, Karen asked me how the Lord had healed me of that rape experience.  I was like a deer in headlights.  I had only recently begun to acknowledge the rape and had never really sought healing for it.  I didn’t know what to say.  Karen suggested we find the fraternity house where it happened and pray there.

While on the college campus, we found fraternity row.  All the houses looked so similar and it had been 21 years since it happened.  Not remembering which house it was, we stopped on a corner with four fraternity houses surrounding us to pray.  I bowed my head but no words would come.  Then from somewhere deep within, sobs surfaced and turned into wails as I stood bent over with violent pain flowing from the depths of my soul.  This pain had been bound up, packed away, not given any air to breathe.  Now, it was opening, this wound covered in scar tissue, never allowed to heal.  It was rising to the surface.  I thought the pain might be too much.  This pain was more than I thought I could bear.  My friends surrounded me praying, like a canopy, protecting me and shielding me as the Healer did His surgery. 

The next few times I shared this part of my story, pain and tears continued to come as the Healer continued to heal this area of my heart.   However, after sharing this part of my story a few times, it became easier and easier.  Now I don’t feel the intense pain I once felt and I’m able to talk about it. 

This is how the Lord heals us.  First He reveals an area of our hearts that needs healing.  Then, he gently removes the scar tissue so the wound is exposed to the air for healing.  He breathes life to the areas once dead and numb.  This may cause temporary pain.  But the pain is only temporary while He does the surgery.  So many people avoid the surgery in fear of the pain being surfaced.  I am thankful I didn’t avoid facing the pain of my past that day in Illinois.  If I would have said, “I don’t need to go there and pray, really, I’m ok”, I would have missed the healing the Lord had for me and that pain would still be lying dormant in my heart festering.  And I surely wouldn’t be writing this today—I would still be paralyzed and numb, unable to share this part of my story. 

Rape is a real hurt.  It is a thief that steals more than can be physically counted.  But the Lord wants to restore what was stolen and mend the areas that are broken.  I no longer consider myself a victim, but rather victorious.  If this is part of your story as well, my heart hurts for you.  I pray that you too will allow the Lord access into those wounded areas so He can do the surgery required for healing.  Reach out to friends you trust who can stand around you during the healing process, praying for you.  If needed, see a counselor.  This is only my story of healing, but the Lord heals different people in different ways. I don’t know the process He will use, but I do know He is the good Healer and the Great Physician and He wants to heal you. 

加油 Add Oil

“’Your maidservant has nothing in the house but a jar of oil.’ Then he said to her ‘Go, borrow vessels from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty vessels, do not gather just a few.  And when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels and set aside the full ones.’” 2 Kings 4:2b-4

Father, thank you for your Holy Spirit and anointing.  Lord, we recognize our need for you.  Father, we pray for our Chinese sisters who are having their first retreat next weekend.  Lord, will you add your oil (anointing) and pour out Your Spirit on them and those attending. Do above and beyond anything they could ask, think or imagine.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

One of my Chinese friends would say the phrase “Add Oil” often while ministering together.   This phrase intrigued me and I loved it!  After looking it up, I found the phrase was a common Chinese expression of encouragement.  The phrase in English would read, “jiā yóu”. 

After being with my friend Joy from China who said this, I was writing and frankly felt a bit rusty.  I was texting a friend asking her to pray since I “felt rusty” and without thinking said, “I think I need to add some oil,”  referring to feeling rusty.  Then I laughed out loud at what I just typed.  Add oil.  Yes!  I need to add oil! 

In ministry, we need the Holy Spirit.  Without His oil, we will be like a rusty hinge making only noise. 

We have to add His oil to everything we do.  We need His oil.  And we need to be full vessels in order to be able to pour out the oil inside of us to others. 

The lady in the passage mentioned above in 2 Kings 4 had nothing but a jar of oil.  She told the man of God, “I have nothing… but a jar of oil.” 

 

You may feel today like you have nothing.  You may feel ill-equipped and like you have nothing to offer.  But if you have the Holy Spirit inside of you as a believer, you have oil.  And the Lord wants you to use the oil you have to pour out into the vessels around you—and not just a few.  Add oil to others.  Encourage others.  You never have nothing to offer.  And if you need more oil yourself, ask the Lord and He will pour out His Spirit and fill you with more so that you can pour out into other vessels. It is the Lord’s desire to “add oil” to all His beloved.

Dead Inside

“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgement, but has passed from death into life.”  John 5:24

Father, there are two retreats coming up in the next month. Lord, we ask for you to breathe life into all that has been dead in the lives of those coming to these retreats.  We ask for all that was dead to come to life.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

While on a visit to China with Deeper Still, I saw a woman wearing a yellow hoodie with two words written on the back in bold letters.  The words were, “Dead Inside.”  It immediately caught my attention and broke my heart.  What does that mean, “Dead Inside?” Why would somewhere wear something with such a label? 

Most of us would not wear a label declaring that we are dead inside.  But I wonder how many all around us, every day, are actually “dead inside.”  They may not wear the hoodie, but underneath their designer clothes and expensive makeup are hearts and bones crying for life. 

I have a friend who described her abortion-wound as feeling like she was one “walking dead.”  I know this is popular TV show (I have to admit, I haven’t seen it.), but no matter if you like the TV show or not, we all know that “walking dead” is no way to live.

 

The Holy Spirit wants us to experience new life.  The Holy Spirit is in the business of restoration and renewing. 

In Ezekiel 37: 11-14, we can read of the Lord’s restoration power:

“Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!... Behold, O my people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves and bring you into the land of Israel.  Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves.  I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land.  Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it.” 

This is a promise from the Lord not only for the Israelites, but for all of God’s people.  He doesn’t want His people being like the walking dead.  He has come to bring us life and life more abundantly. 

If you are one feeling dry, without hope, and dead inside, today is a new day.  I have good news for you!  

Jesus wants to breathe His Spirit on you and bring you new life.  He wants to restore all that was taken and renew a right spirit within you—one that is life giving and full of beauty.  

He doesn’t want us walking around with the label “Dead Inside.”  Take off your hoodie and put on the garment of His salvation, His robe of righteousness that declares, “I am a new creation.  I am alive in Christ!”  

I Can't Forgive Myself

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”  Romans 8:1-2

Father, we give you thanks that because of the paid blood of Jesus Christ, we can live free.  We thank you that not only do you forgive us of all our sins but that because of Jesus we are not only able to forgive others but also ourselves.  There is no condemnation to those who are in you.  We give you praise and glory in Jesus’ Name.  Amen. 

The other night my ten-year-old daughter and I were having a devotional time as we do before bed each night.  The devotional was on forgiveness.  She said something I didn’t expect her to say.  She confessed that she believes God forgives her of her sin but that sometimes she has a hard time forgiving herself.  She confided that even after asking God to forgive her, she often will beat herself up over and over again after she has made a mistake and sinned.

 

I have to admit, I have been guilty of that as well at times.  However, I do not believe it pleases the Lord in any way when we refuse to forgive ourselves of the sins Jesus suffered and died on the cross to forgive and cleanse.  In fact, it grieves Him. 

Another Deeper Still Team member, Carla Martin, said the Lord revealed to her one day that she was often living like His Word said, “There is now ‘not nearly so much’ condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  However, the Lord pointed out to Carla that is not what He said.  He said there is “no” condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  No.  Not any. None.

The Lord has clearly said that if we do not forgive others, He cannot forgive us. (Matt 6:15, Matt 6:14)  What about ourselves?  Does it apply to us?  

Jesus paid a dear price.  Is it not selfish of us and even prideful to not receive the gift that cost Him His life?  He willingly and lovingly paid it.  It is a gift for us to receive.  This is how I explained this to my daughter. 

 

What if I had a gift I wanted to give her.  This gift had cost me greatly and I had gone to much trouble to get it for her, because I loved her.   I was very excited about her having this gift.  My love for her is the reason I put forth all the effort to purchase this gift for her.   But what if when I went to give it to her, she expressed she didn’t deserve such a gift and refused to take it? Or just took part of it, but not the whole gift.  How would that make me feel?  Would I be happy she didn’t feel she deserved such a gift or sad that my daughter refused to accept the gift I desperately wanted to give her?

I hear often of women who have had abortions and the men who father those children saying that they believe God has forgiven them but they cannot forgive themselves.   These women and men do not feel worthy of forgiveness.  They do not feel they deserve the gift the Lord wants to give them.  I understand.  I use to feel that way and sometimes I know I don’t receive forgiveness as quickly as the Lord would like me to receive it. 

If you are someone who has had an abortion or has trouble forgiving yourself for other sins, this is not to condemn you.  Lord have mercy.  Not in anyway.  That would be the exact opposite of the reason for this post.  What I do hope is that you will give yourself permission to forgive yourself.  And if you are not sure how to do that, to ask the Lord to help you forgive yourself.  He wants you to receive ALL He has for you.  He wants you to receive the full gift He has for you!  He is beyond excited to give it to you!  For those of you who struggle with this, I would love to pray for you personally.  I will post a prayer below but if you leave a comment, I will also pray for you specifically in a reply. 

God loves you so much and it is His desire for all of us to live in the fullness of Him and without any condemnation, completely free of guilt or shame.  You are forgiven.  You are His. 

Father, I pray for those reading today who have had a hard time forgiving themselves.  They believe You have forgiven them, but do not feel that they can forgive themselves.  Father, I pray they would receive the fullness of the gift you have for them today.  Help them live fully free in You.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

He Redeems Even the Day

“He provided redemption for His people; He ordained His covenant forever—holy and awesome is His name.”  Psalm 111:9

Father, thank you that when You provided redemption, Jesus did not just pay in part, but in whole.  Thank you for redeeming even the day and providing hope for those hurting from the day of their abortion.  We ask for You to redeem the day and change what was full of death into a day of life.  We ask for all things to be made new—even the day.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

A friend recently told me of someone she knows who every year on the anniversary day of her abortion is stricken with sadness, grief and unbearable sorrow over her choice.  This friend has the date in her calendar as a reminder to call this beloved girl to provide a comforting voice. 

This is all too real and common.  We all have birthdays we celebrate.  The lack of a birthdate for one created to live is unnatural and it leaves an aching hole in the heart of those living with abortion-wounds. The anniversary date of the day chosen to end the life of their child—it is almost too much to bear.

But Jesus.  

The blood of Jesus is not limited to redeeming one’s sins or health.  The blood of Jesus seeps into every pore and every aching crevice, filling and completing the healing until all is restored—even the day. 

Today, Emily Donels graciously shares her story of how the Lord redeemed the day for her.  Thank you Emily for sharing the Lord’s redemption power in your life.

April 27^th used to be a day I dreaded.  I was so gripped in knots the entire month that I didn’t feel I could breath again until May. 

In the earlier years of my healing journey with my abortion-wounded heart, I would try to do something that I felt honored the daughter I aborted.  From planting flowers in my flowerbed on that day, to placing a plaque on the wall of the National Memorial for the Unborn in Chattanooga, TN, to just driving down to the memorial so I would have a safe place I felt like I could mourn.

It wasn’t until after my own Deeper Still retreat that I felt the Lord truly redeem April 28^th for me.  I finally believed my Heavenly Father had reconciled my relationship with my daughter, Hannah.  That day went from me feeling I needed to atone that day to just being in sweet remembrance of my daughter that day.  Twenty years to that exact day, I was serving on the Deeper Still Spring Retreat team and I was assigned to lead the sharing time during the memorial service.  I opened up by sharing that I couldn’t imagine any better way to honor my precious Hannah than by being there with each of them (the participants) and telling them how proud I was to be Hannah’s mom and that I longed for the day to meet her face to face.

The following year, the Lord put it on my heart to return to the abortion clinic for the first time in 21 years to the date.  I was joined there by my sisters and brothers in Christ to pray a prayer of repentance to cleanse and heal the land.  That day I left a bundle of flowers representing life in honor of Hannah’s life.  God not only redeemed me, He redeemed the day. – Emily Donels

Emily is a team member on the Deeper Still team and served at the Deeper Still retreat last weekend, with part of the weekend on her anniversary date again.  What a glorious Lord we serve!  May all those who came last weekend, experience full and complete freedom.  May they experience more and more freedom and the fullness of redemption in Him—even the day. 

Come to the Table {Prayer for Spring Retreat}

“So David said to him, ‘Do not fear, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your father’s sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your grandfather; and you shall eat bread at my table continually.’” 2 Samuel 9:7

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for you to prepare the participants of Deeper Still to come to the table with open hearts.  I pray they would choose you and be willing and ready to come to the table and feast on all your goodness and receive all you have for them.   In Jesus’ name, Amen.

We had a situation last night with one of our children which led to this child feeling as if eating alone was what was deserved rather than at the table with the rest of the family.  Minutes before this child had expressed feeling unworthy of anything good.  We gently encouraged this child to come to the table and eat with us.  We affirmed worthiness, love, and grace.  With tear filled eyes, this child stayed at the table, embracing our love and acceptance.  Once again realizing, nothing can separate this child from our love.  We want all our children at our table. 

Our Heavenly Father wants ALL His children at His table. 

In 2 Samuel 9, we find the story of Mephibosheth.  In this story, King David asked his servant if there was anyone of the house of Saul left for him to bless.  He was told of the son of Jonathan, Mephibosheth, who lived in Lo Debar.  Jonathan had been King Saul’s son and David’s best friend.  Jonathan and David loved each other and made a covenant with each other to care for each other’s households.  It had been over twenty years since Jonathan and King Saul had died in battle.  David had forgotten about the covenant until that day. 

When King David found Mephibosheth, he did not feel worthy to sit at the king’s table.  He said to David, “What is your servant that you should look upon a dead dog as I?” Mephibosheth saw himself as a “dead dog”.   It says in the passage that Mephibosheth was lame in both his feet, which happened when he was a young boy and his servant carried him and dropped him while fleeing from the palace after King Saul and Jonathan died.  Mephibosheth was living in Lo Debar, a place where all the outcasts of society lived. Then one day David remembered the covenant he had with Jonathan and everything changed for Mephibosheth.  Not only was he seated at the King’s table, the land of his father was restored to him as well.

Those with abortion-wounded hearts often feel like “dead dogs”, unworthy to sit at the King’s table.  They may see themselves as lame.  However, that is not the truth.  That is not their identity.  The truth is Jesus Christ made us whole. Their true identity is that of a son or daughter of the King, fully welcome at His table to feast on His blessings, goodness and grace. 

God has made a covenant, a new covenant with his sons and daughters and wants them to reclaim their seats at His table! And He not only desires His children at His table with Him, He also wants to restore all that was stolen.  The covenant we have with our Father through the blood of Jesus Christ does not restore only part of our inheritance, but all.  He paid so ALL could be restored.  We just need to be willing to come to the table.  

Please pray for our participants coming next weekend to come with open hearts, ready to receive all the Lord has for them at His table.  www.godeeperstill.org

Hope Resurrects

“Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’ Then He took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying.” 

John 11:40-41a

Lord Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for us, and paying the price for all sin and death.  Thank you in this Holy week and in all weeks, we can look and see Your glory in Your resurrection power all around us.  Thank you for bringing what is dead in us to life again.  In Your precious and Holy name we pray, Amen.

Hope is a small word with big worth.

The darkness of this world can almost swallow us up if we allow it. 

Two sisters, friends of Jesus, were in pain a little over two thousand years ago.  They buried their brother.  It not only seemed hopeless, it was naturally hopeless.

 

Until Jesus…

 

“Did I not tell you if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”

During worship at church recently, my heart pounded as I thought of the pain three dear friends were enduring…

A marriage broken by an affair.

Another marriage strangled by addiction.

Diagnosis of a chronic illness.

With tears I asked my Lord about all this pain.  In the quietness of my spirit, from deep within, these words muffled the music,

 “Did I not say that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?” 

Lord, what are you saying?  Believe.  Hope. 

Two thousand years ago…

A friend of Jesus laid in a grave while two sisters grieved.

Jesus, the coming Messiah, hung on a cross…crucified.  It seemed hopeless.

 

Things are not always as they seem.

Dare we hope?

 The other day my ten year old daughter scribbled these words on a wipey board in her room,

“Let all fears become hope.”

Hope illuminates the darkness and blazes light to dispel fear.  

Hope brings belief and belief becomes the glory of God.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for. (Hebrews 11:1)

Our Hope and Lord died, was buried and resurrected in glory.  Our Hope is Him.  He resurrects.

Hope resurrects.

Dare to hope today.  Dare to believe.  Dare to give God a chance to show you His glory.

Dare to believe He will resurrect and infuse life into dead places and dissipate the dark.

 

Will you believe the Lord with me when He says, “Did I not say if you believe you will see the glory of God?”

Happy Resurrection Sunday!!   May you see the Glory of God. 

What is it you need a resurrection in today?  Leave it in the comments.  We would love to pray for you. 

Feeling Unworthy in the Upper Room

“And he arose and came to his father.  But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.  And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet…for this my son was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found.  And they began to be merry.”  Luke 15: 20-21

Lord Father, we pray for those who feel unworthy due to the sin of abortion to find healing, freedom and truth.  Lord, thank you that you never run from our need but instead, you run to us and embrace our need.  Lord, we pray for those with abortion-wounded hearts to rise and come to you and receive their robe of righteousness and ring of worthiness in the Son.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Above the library in the church was a quaint meeting room like an after-thought finishing of an attic-an upper room.   The ceiling angled to a point, stretching as if it begged to reach heaven.  It felt comfortable and safe.  Every Sunday, our Sunday School class would meet there.  An elder couple led the group of couples ranging in age from early 20's just married to mid-thirties with kids.  I was in the early 20's group and had recently given my life to Jesus.  Feelings of unworthiness haunted me in spite of the comfortable and safe upper room.  “What if they knew?” My thoughts tormented me.  

Then one day I couldn’t take anymore.  I don’t remember the question but my heart was pounding like if I didn’t answer it would burst out of my chest.  In between sobs, my words cascaded like a waterfall dammed up and then let loose.  Darkness clouded my vision, my sight blurry from tears and eyes partly shut.  It was as if part of me rationalized if I can’t see them, they won’t see me.  Maybe they won’t truly see me. 

All I could say is, “Jesus has saved me from so much.  I’m not the same person I once was.  I’m ashamed of who I was and I fear you wouldn’t like me if you knew what I have done.  I don’t feel worthy to be in this class or with all you wonderful people.  You all seem like you have known Jesus forever.   I’m afraid I’m not good enough to be here.” 

After exposing my heart and fears to this group of about 20 young married couples, I’m not sure what I expected.  Perhaps I was looking for a “Me too” or  “I understand.  I’ve been where you are and you are not alone.”  I’m not sure they knew how to respond to all that raw pent up emotion breaking loose.  Then the bell rang and I sat, slightly unsure of my next move.   Maybe I was alone.   Then one girl responded.  She was a new friend.  I didn’t really have Christian friends yet, but she was becoming a friend.  She responded— the only one.

She walked up to my chair.  It was a moment forever etched in my mind.  Instead of running from my need, she embraced it.  Her words were ones of invitation.  She wanted to know me.  She wasn’t afraid of my brokenness.  She saw me, truly saw me and decided I was worth knowing.  Isn't that the longing of every human heart--for someone to decide you are worth knowing? And we are still close friends today, nearly 19 years after that initial invitation in the upper room.

Feelings of unworthiness are common for men and women who have experienced abortion.  Feelings of being less-than cause those with abortion-wounded hearts to choose less-than. 

My friend knew something I didn’t know at that point in my life—Jesus didn’t see me as less-than. 

Jesus doesn’t see me as less-than.  Jesus sees those with abortion-wounded hearts as in need of a healer.  He doesn’t run from the need.  In contrary, He embraces the need.  He embraces you.  He invites you.  He isn’t afraid of your brokenness.  He truly sees you and decided a long time ago you are worth knowing.  You are not alone.  You are never alone and never have been alone.  Your healer delights in you and desires a close friendship with you.  Jesus is just waiting for you to respond to the invitation in the upper room.

If you have had an abortion and have struggled with feelings of unworthiness or feeling less-than, you can go to www.godeeperstill.org to find out how to register for a retreat.  This is your invitation from the One who responds to your every need.

Please subscribe at the top of the page to receive devotionals in your email to pray for the healing of those wounded from abortion.      

Men Have Abortion-Wounded Hearts Too

Please share this post today to bring an awareness that men can be wounded by abortion and also need healing. 

“But Peter and those with him were heavy with sleep; and when they were fully awake, they saw His glory and the two men who stood with Him.”  Luke 9: 32

Father, we know there are men out there who have been sleeping.  There are men with abortion-wounded hearts who we need to arise from their slumber and see Your glory.  Father, we ask for you to awaken this nation to the truth that abortion is not just a women issue, but it affects the hearts of fathers as well.  We ask for an awareness that many men were never given a choice on if their children lived.  Lord, comfort those who grieve the loss of their children and bring them healing.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

There was an article published a couple months ago that mentioned how abortion affects not only women but also the men who encouraged the abortion.  While this is true, there was no mention of those men who didn’t encourage the abortion.  My heart is pained for anyone who has been affected by abortion, but when I read this article, I immediately thought of those men who were never given a choice or never had a voice.  There are many men who may have aborted children in heaven and will never know until the day they enter eternity. 

My friend, Jason, is a man who as mentioned above never had a choice.  Today, I asked him if I could share his story to awaken an awareness of truth.  Thank you, Jason, for sharing your story.

   

I had two major giants I’d been avoiding for many years. I’m going to share about one of them with you. He told me that in order to be used by Him the way that He intended my heart had to be whole. It started with facing the giant called Abortion.

I was with someone over 20 years ago who aborted two of my children. I wanted to keep each one of them but she felt very differently. I left town the night before she had the first abortion. I went out into the woods and camped. The morning she had the first abortion, at the exact time of her appointment, I stood by the river, looking out over the water and heard this voice say to me, “You’re damned. God has damned you”. I felt a part of me die that day.

She aborted my second child just a few months later and again I felt as if I was damned.  Over the years since then, I struggled with addiction, anxiety, shame, anger, and health issues. I had trouble looking people in the eyes.

Eventually, I rededicated my life to the Lord and had forgiven the mother of those children and myself, at least so I thought. I had prayed prayers of forgiveness, but deep down the disgust, the anger, the embarrassment, the rejection, and shame remained. I didn’t acknowledge the lives of those two precious children. I didn’t want to. I tried to pretend many times over that they never happened. I denied them over and over. I lived with this weight, this secret for over 20 years.

…Until I went up the mountain to the retreat site.  It’s not easy going up the mountain. It never is.  I was tempted to turn around, to give in to a ‘last minute something happened so I can’t make it’, or to back out of the cabin parking lot and drive away.

And that’s what I almost did. But then that I heard the Holy Spirit so gently say, “You can do this. You have to do this. I will be with you every step of the way. Nothing is impossible for me. It is for freedom that I have set you free.”

I pulled into the parking lot and I was immediately greeted by the smiling faces of the Deeper Still team.   I parked my car, got out (still afraid), and then Clay said “Hey”, and totally disarmed me. I immediately felt the love of God and knew right then that it was going to be ok.

Well, it turns out that it was better than ok. To put it simply, the retreat was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  I was finally able to share my secret in a safe place and as the retreat progressed, the weight that I had carried with me for so long, began to lighten until it finally left once and for all. I experienced the true love of Jesus, deeper healing and a peace that I had never known before. I knew that I was not damned - I was loved and accepted, forgiven. Strongholds were broken that weekend. In one of the most touching segments of the retreat, I was finally able to embrace and acknowledge my two children, Ethan and Savannah. They became real to me.  I know they’re ok. They’re waiting for me and one day I will hold them in my arms and kiss their beautiful faces.

Deeper Still is one of the most incredible and anointed ministries I’ve been around. The love, spirit and organization of this ministry are like none other I’ve experienced.  The need for this ministry cannot be understated. 

I went up the mountain, a grasshopper. I came down the mountain a giant killer, a new creation in Christ. You see, I slayed one of my giants that weekend. The anxiety, shame, and anger I carried up the mountain were no longer there. The parts of me that died over 20 years ago were brought back to life. I felt a wholeness like never before. I got back the freedom to look people in the eyes, and the voice I lost was restored. It gave me the strength to face my other giant, which I’m in the process of doing now.

The stories the other men shared were amazing. Watching the progression of their restoration was healing and invigorating. Men, this ministry and the retreat is not for women only. There are men reading this who have been with someone who had an abortion, or perhaps you know a man who has gone through this. You may be forgiven, and you may have acknowledged the abortion to your pastor. But I want to encourage you to go deeper still. You have what it takes. Slay your giant. -Jason

If you fathered a child who was aborted, there is a safe place for you to go to find healing and freedom.  There are two spots left for men for the April retreat.  It is April 28-30.  You can go to www.godeeperstill.org for more information and to register.  Men, we need you.  We need you to be a voice for the voiceless.  Will you awake and see His glory?  His glory awaits you!

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Why I Love White Crosses: My Journey From Anger to Love

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."  Jeremiah 1:5

Father, we praise you and give you thanks for all you are doing in our nation to bring others the truth about life.  We thank you for servant leaders who will listen to your voice and stand for life. Your word says, “I bring before you life and death.”  The choice you give is simple.  From what we say to the actions we choose daily, we choose life or death.  I pray we would be a nation and a people that continually chooses life and honors life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

These past weeks have been historically significant regarding pro-life and the national March for Life was last weekend. Spring isn’t quite here in East Tennessee, but with all these happenings, there is a sense of new life emerging.  The atmosphere feels like a new day, a revolution of life bursting forth. However, there may be some whose pain has been awakened along with the revolution.  I understand your pain and there is hope.  Today, I want to share a story of a Spring in my life that was filled with pain and death.  The Lord healed me another Spring day, in April 2013 at my Deeper Still Retreat many years later…

The dogwood trees were blooming, shouting new life for all who passed. Squirrels scurried up and down the trees gathering nuts. The white blossoms sprinkled the blanket of emerald grass on the quad of my college campus. Many times I had traveled this path. Many days and hours were spent on this grass studying for a test or reading an assignment.    

But this day was different. This day as I walked home from a college class, the warm sun was reflected by the white flowers on the ground almost masking the larger cloud of white up ahead. I drew closer, the blurred image cleared and became a vision forever imprinted in my mind.

White Crosses. 

This was my first encounter with the crosses after my abortion.  As I walked up, I wondered what the crosses represented.  A sign was posted…

"Each cross represents the death of 1 million babies aborted."  

Anger rose from the depths of my soul--an anger hidden and buried. 

Spring was exploding with life, but all I saw was death.

Beside the white crosses, a sweet young college student stood handing out brochures. This brave young girl was taking a stand for life.  But I didn’t see her as brave or sweet.  Wounded eyes clouded my vision.  A soul filled with brokenness, depression, and void of hope was my processing filter.  Those crosses uprooted the wounds of my heart, my abortion-wounded heart.   

My thoughts raced, “How dare they put up those crosses!  How dare they make a marker for a grave that was never dug!  How dare they make this statement proclaiming with abortion there would be one dead, in need of a tombstone, in need of a white cross. Don't they know!  Don't they know the pain this causes?  Don't they care?  They don't know what I have been through.  They don't understand my pain.” 

The anger buried beneath the surface erupted like a carbonated beverage shook too hard and then abruptly opened.  All the pain pent up deep inside was unleased on that poor sweet girl.  Then I ran back to my college dorm.  Crying. Broken. Wounded.  Depressed. Hopeless.  

This outward manifestation was but a glimpse of the hemorrhaging happening on the inside, a cutting of my own affliction.  Those white crosses on a field of green sprinkled with white flowers revealed the anger and pain in me and my need for the Cross of Jesus, the only one who could heal my wounds and free me from the tormenting chains of shame, guilt, and anger.  

January 22 was Sanctity of Life Sunday.  Perhaps on your path over the last few weeks, you came across white crosses or other symbols of life.

Before I went to my Deeper Still retreat and received a deeper healing, the sight of white crosses made me cringe.  However, the white crosses no longer bring me pain. Now all I see is beauty. The white crosses are beautiful, lovely, and honoring.

Above are written some of my thoughts that spring day, “They don't know what I have been through.  They don't understand my pain.”

When we receive healing, it is then that we can begin to take our eyes off ourselves and our need for healing and begin to see the bigger picture and honor the children lost.  It becomes not about our pain any longer, but about a person—a person deserving of honor. 

Talking about abortion, the crosses, standing for life and sharing abortion testimonies will bring up pain in the abortion-wounded.  What I want others to understand is this tension is not bad.  In contrary, this is good.  We need to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when sharing about any topic, but perhaps hushing is hindering the Holy Spirit from doing a much needed work in people who need to hear the hard stuff.  God uses the hard to stir up a discontentment for the status quo and open eyes to our need for Him to heal.  It is easy to ignore the pain when it has been numbed and dormant.

The pain of recovery is temporal.  The pain of denial is infinite.

The crosses not only contribute to the revealing of the need for healing but also honor those deserving of honor. The crosses represent a life created in the image of God cut too short.  As a church body, we need to acknowledge those most vulnerable.  As a society, we need to acknowledge the loss suffered and offer healing.  These are not just crosses, they are lives and we honor them. 

Called By a New Name

“The Gentiles shall see your righteousness, and all kings your glory.  You shall be called by a new name, which the mouth of the Lord will name.”  Is 62:2

Father, Lord, will You give those who come to the Deeper Still retreats a new name.  Lord, that they would no longer be termed forsaken or desolate, but they would see that You delight in them and those around them would see Your  beloved as a crown of glory and a royal diadem in the hand of the Lord.  Amen.

Today’s devotional was written by Samuel Turnmire.  Thank you Samuel for contributing today…

God likes to make things new. The New Testament tells us that by following Christ we become a new creation.  We like new things too, like new hairstyles or clothes, but our Creator changes something much deeper than that. At times the difference is so great that a new name is given. In the gospel of John chapter 1, we see the beginning of Jesus’ ministry on earth and Jesus begins to call his disciples. When he encounters Simon, Christ tells him that He will call him “Cephas”, or as we know him, “Peter”.

Inside Peter, his heart was moved and called to follow Christ. But to come into his new name, Peter “the rock”, he would have to be watered by the words of Christ for the remainder of Christ’s time on earth. He would bask in the light of Jesus’ presence and become strong in faith through the impulsive actions of jumping out of a boat in the middle of the sea. Finally, he would be pruned by suffering the shame of denying the one he pledged to die for just hours prior; and to be restored by the master’s forgiveness at a lakeside fish fry.

In time, Simon became Peter. He would go on to lead thousands on the day of Pentecost, travel through Asia Minor, and finally find himself martyred in Rome. All of this Jesus saw when he called Simon and changed his name. Peter had no idea the growth that he would undergo. Peter’s words became the foundation of faith for the early church. In his death, he affirmed his faith and set an example for all of us to follow.

When the Creator of all things looks us in the eye and whispers to our hearts to come, if we choose Him, we will be changed.  Each of us is made new. Each of us gets a new name.

Lost to Found.

Sinner to Saint.

Enemy to Heir.

Wrecked to Redeemed.

Many times at the Deeper Still Retreats, the Lord gives someone a new name or redeems the name they were given.  It is beautiful to witness.  There is much in a name.  As we become the person God created us to be, we begin to walk in confidence of our new name just as Peter did.  He went from wimp to warrior in a matter of a moment with Jesus and then boldly proclaimed the gospel of Jesus Christ ushering in the preaching of the gospel which lasts until this day.  God has a new name for you as well.  There is no knowing all God has in store for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  I want to encourage you to ask God what your name is, then walk in your new name.  Daughter/Son of the King, as you do, He will do a mighty Kingdom work through you.   

If you are interested  in knowing more about ministering to the abortion-wounded or are interested in starting a Deeper Still Chapter in your area, our annual training is Nov 11 and 12 in Knoxville, TN.  Please go to www.godeeperstill.org for registration information.  

Why Do You Love Me So Much?

“That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height—to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”  Ephesians 3:16-19

Father, I pray for the Deeper Still team to have a greater revelation of Your love.  Lord, I pray that You would strengthen us through Your spirit in our inner man, that Christ will dwell in our hearts through faith and that we would be rooted deep and grounded in Your love, that we would know the love of Christ even beyond our understanding so we may be filled with the fullness of Your love to share with others.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

The room was filled with sounds of praise as we worshiped together Saturday night at the Deeper Still Retreat.  The presence of the Lord was strong and I could feel His pleasure and happiness at His daughters and sons from separate ends of the earth (China and US) worshiping together exalting Him in awe of all He had done in the hearts of the participants and team that weekend.  

As I worshiped and tears poured from my eyes, hands lifted in total abandon, I became overwhelmed with His goodness.  My heart whispered, “Why Lord?  Why do you love me so much?”  I thought of the beating He endured for me as the Roman soldiers prepared Him for the cruel death He would suffer.  I thought about Him hanging, bear and exposed, with the pain of nails pounded into his bones and skin.  The more I thought of it, the more overwhelmed I became with His love.  Yes, I was feeling His love at that moment during praise and worship, but this love was always and constant. It is a love that existed before I was even born, even before the foundations of the world.  It always was and always will be.  It is more than my human heart can comprehend.  

As a child, we sing, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”  Yes and amen, but also Jesus loves me this I know, more than just because the Bible tells me so.  He demonstrates His love over and over again.  He demonstrated it in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).  And that would have been more than enough.  But yet, He continually displays His love for us in the everyday.  It really is above and beyond anything I can ask, think or imagine.  I pray I would know His love more.  I pray I would be more aware of His love so that I, in turn, can be filled with His love to pour out to others.  

May we truly be rooted and grounded in love and filled with the fullness of love.  Perhaps that is the reason He loves us so much.    

Stepping Into the River

“For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatever disease he had.” 

John 5: 4

Father, thank you for stirring the waters.  Lord we pray for each and every Deeper Still participant across the globe to step into your healing waters and find freedom, healing and deliverance.  Lord, we stand against fear and every other hindrance to healing.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Today’s post was written partially by a former Deeper Still participant, now team member, who wasn’t afraid to step into the Lord’s healing waters.  Thank you, Lindsey Martin, for sharing with us today.  

During a recent prayer meeting for Deeper Still, the Lord brought to my mind a picture for Deeper Still. The picture was of a raging river, with people standing on both sides. One side had several people standing, gazing across the river with no emotion, just numb. There were several men there.

On the other side I saw the team members, softly smiling, calling out to the people on the other side and encouraging them.  Gentle calls of courage echoed telling them not to be afraid.  The team stood with arms open and up, inviting those of the other side to step in.

The Lord showed me the gap between pain and healing is separated by the river. Freedom is on the other side of that river, but it appears scary and impossible to cross. Their eyes are skewed by pain, shame, guilt – and all they see is a frightening raging river and fear strips tenacity. BUT the Lord says that the river is the Living Water, Jesus Christ.  The Deeper Still leaders and volunteers cheer them on, encouraging them to come and step in. And as they step in. and walk through the river (meeting Christ at the retreat), they are refreshed, healed, renewed and washed clean…stepping into freedom on the other side of the river. On this side, they look back and the river is no longer raging and formidable, instead it is now calm and inviting.  The river is a place to find rest and refreshment while grace grows deep roots. He will calm the storm, call them deeper, and deliver them from their pain.– Lindsey Martin

In the scripture for today, it says that an angel came down and “troubled the water”.  The Greek word for “troubled” in this passage is tarasso and it means, “to stir up”.  When the Lord is about to do a healing, He stirs up something inside of us.  He creates “trouble” to invoke in us a deeper desire for healing, a healing that can only come from the Living Water.  

I find it interesting that the pool mentioned above wasn’t always stirring.  I believe the Lord creates specific opportunities for healing, He stirs the waters when the time is right and we just need to be willing and ready to step in.  The troublesome water may appear risky, but we can know that when our Lord stirs in our hearts, He is gentle and kind. He will lead us into the water safely.  And on the other side, there truly is a new level of freedom and deliverance.  Don’t be afraid.  Weeping may endure for the night, but joy truly does come in the morning as you are made whole.

Surrendering the Dark

“Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of him who was dead, said to Him, ‘Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been dead four days.’ Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’ Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying.”  John 11:39-41

Father, will you awaken those laying in the dark?  Will you stir within your people to roll away the stone and reveal those places that are hidden and dead to allow your resurrection power to bring forth life and restoration all for Your glory.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.  

We live in an abortion-wounded world.  One in three women  have had an abortion, and that isn’t even mentioning the men also affected by fathering a child who is aborted.   What does an abortion-wounded world look like?  From the outside, it may appear quite normal.   The abortion-wounded can even look rather put together.  

We can become experts in hiding our secret.  Perhaps the secret is nestled away in a box hidden in a corner of the heart with a gigantic stone rolled in front .  Put on some lipstick, a pretty lace-trimmed blouse, high heels, and well-manicured nails, and from the outside, all may appear well.  But, what is dead hidden in the dark, cannot remain hidden forever.  It will eventually start to stink.  And that stink will not disappear until the box is opened and Jesus is allowed to resurrect what was once dead.  

God is just waiting for us to lead Him to the place where we need a resurrection. God can resurrect regardless, but He is a gentleman and He won’t open the box unless we give Him access.  He may cause the stink to increase, but it is still our decision to allow Him to resurrect the dead and dark areas hidden in our hearts.  

What would happen if every single abortion-wounded person allowed God to come in and roll the stone away from their dead places and resurrect life into their soul and spirit?  I believe the world wouldn’t be able to contain the glory that would result.  I believe the world would come to itself and see abortion as the atrocity and horror that it is.  I believe abortion would end.  

In the verse above it says, “Jesus said to her.  ‘Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’”

What once brought death, destruction and darkness can now be used to bring life, liberty, and light all for the glory of God.  All that is needed is to allow God to roll away the stone!  

But so many times, we resist and say, “Wait a minute Lord.  If you roll away the stone, if you open that box, it is going to stink! Do you know how long that has been dead?  Do you know how long I have kept this secret?  Lord, are you sure you want to open that?!”  Or we might say, “Lord, you know I’ve already dealt with all that.  I know you have forgiven me.  What is the point of rolling away that stone?!  Let’s just keep all that closed away behind a big honking rock.”  

But the Lord says, “I want to bring life.  I want to resurrect and do an even greater work!  And if you believe me, you will see the glory of God!”  

All of this leaves us with a choice.  We can choose to keep our dead secrets hidden in the dark or we can choose to surrender the dark and allow the Lord access to roll away the stone and bring light and life to what was once dead.  Will you choose to surrender and then watch and you will see the glory of God!